High Deficit Momentum Irregularities

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Hello, it's been a while. I'm going to be a little candid.

I've swapped out ADHD for HDMI. It became an in-joke I made up to combat the piles and piles of videos coming in through various social media algorithms and I couldn't stand "ADHD" being said hundreds of times by myself and others in any given week. I've already used it twice here.

Fifteen-ish years ago I first heard the term as a descriptor for a family friend, who couldn't sit still, wouldn't stop talking over the top of dialogue in movies, etc etc. He was put in a very negative light because of this and other reasons I can't remember properly. Being of a young impressionable mind, I took this as truth for others in the future associated with said term.

In parallel with this, I started to notice my own goings-on, school and home stuff etc. I found it incredibly difficult to focus on perceived menial tasks like writing book reviews, reading books properly (I skimmed words without taking them in enough to understand what an author would be talking about), long term goals like saving money, not having answers for "what do you want to be when you grow up" or "what's your five year plan", and by the time I reached the NCEA exam years, I closed myself off and gave up on understanding what studying even was, walked out of several exams, but fortunately resat and passed Level 2 by the skin of my teeth.

I remember my mum mentioning to a teacher "unfortunately he's a very healthy boy". Not sure why that's stuck around for as long as it has.

From school years to today I've had great ideas for art projects and goals that eventually fizzle out because I either can't remember them or lose the interest and find something else to get excited about. I'm pretty sure my past romantic relationships also suffered because of this.

It's been very difficult to keep jobs down, keep routines, get to any social event or class on time, hell, I even forget to brush my teeth sometimes. They all compound on each other and I feel paralysed on what to do on any given day. It's harrowing. It's incredibly frustrating. It feels debilitating. I want to scream into a pillow about how inept this all makes me feel.

I noticed and yet I denied that there was something wrong with me. I still deny it. Is there something wrong with me? A question I ask myself for years. 

I've come to the conclusion today that no, there isn't. It's simply another way of thinking. A neurodivergency from the genetics of my ancestors. Connections in neurons and synapses that fire in an alternate way than that of anothers' brain.

I'm already getting bored of writing this out.

I still see this as a problem. It's not a problem with me per se, but it is a problem I feel I need to solve. I would love more than anything to see an idea through to its end. I don't want this hanging over my life like a demon taking bits out of my brain for funsies.

In about a month I will receive an official diagnosis. I know it won't solve the problem on its own, but it'll be a huge step forward. I'd be a fool to give up at this point. 

So chin up, me, and keep going. Your brain isn't going to rewire itself. Though technically I suppose it will, haha.